The state of our union is fucked.

Fenster and Liebs live-blog the State of the Union Address...

[21:03] fenster: joe lieberman and sam alito have the two most smug grins of the evening thus far

[21:03] fenster: you're not missing much.

[21:03] liebs: 16.1 seconds left, 62-62, Tech ball

[21:03] fenster: it's kind of like the banter that goes on on talk shows underneath the theme music into and out of commercial stopsets.

[21:04] fenster: i bet alito's not wearing any pants under the robe.

[21:04] liebs: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

[21:04] fenster: what are they gonna do - fire him?

[21:04] liebs: they take Tech's tip-in away, call a foul, VPI shoots 2 free throws for the game with 0.5 seconds left

[21:04] liebs: motherfucker

[21:05] fenster: so it'll set the perfect mood for you to watch the agenda for the next year worth of american decay.

[21:05] liebs: good thing I don't own a gun

[21:05] liebs: fuck

[21:05] fenster: what kind of georgian are you, leibs?

[21:05] fenster: what would jesus do?

[21:05] fenster: he would own at least three guns!

[21:05] liebs: I've been sports blue balled

[21:06] fenster: your years as a ranger fan should have prepared you for that.



[21:06] liebs: bleh

[21:06] fenster: sam alito's bald spot looks like the number 9.

[21:07] liebs: dammit, 63-62, that's 6 losses in a row

[21:07] liebs: what channel are we watching this on?

[21:07] fenster: your years as a redskins fan should have prepared you for that.

[21:07] fenster: msnbc.

[21:07] liebs: because I'm not depressed enough already

[21:08] fenster: here come da bush.

[21:08] fenster: are people booing?

[21:08] liebs: bouche

[21:08] liebs: rhymes with douche

[21:08] fenster: that's incredibly ironic.

[21:09] fenster: bill frist looks like he's about to shit his pants just about every time he's in front of a camera

[21:09] liebs: "hey Tiny. Sweet Tits. Shooter. Cha Cha, how ya doin!"

[21:09] fenster: which one is sweet tits?

[21:09] liebs: your guess is as good as mine

[21:09] fenster: i wonder if he calls the house minority leader nanny-poo.

[21:10] fenster: "hey, token! nice robe!"

[21:10] liebs: I wonder how often Laura stands between two black people

[21:10] liebs: hell, 2 non-Christian white people

[21:10] liebs: non-Christian, non-white people

[21:10] fenster: probably only in her wank fantasies. HEYOOOOO!

[21:10] liebs: because I'm not nauseated enough from the basketball, obrigado

[21:10] fenster: she dreams of being the cream in a michael steele-clarence thomas oreo.

[21:11] fenster: oooh, poor taste.

[21:11] liebs: where's that rogue Japan Airlines flight when you need it?

[21:11] fenster: my god dennis hastert is fat.

[21:11] fenster: be careful, you'll get both of us on the watchlist

[21:11] fenster: i'm a travel writer. i need to be able to get on planes

[21:12] liebs: I only read Debt of Honor, I didn't write it

[21:12] fenster: bush sounds a bit slurry

[21:12] fenster: i wonder if he needed a nip or two to get through this thing

[21:13] liebs: it's tough to force out nice words about Coretta King

[21:13] liebs: for him

[21:13] fenster: yikes, hearing him pronounce "rostrum" was hard.

[21:13] liebs: think he has any idea what "rostrum" means?

[21:13] fenster: i wouldn't guess he cares

[21:13] fenster: scolding the democrats already.

[21:14] fenster: the state of our union is always strong. someone buy the man a thesaurus.

[21:14] fenster: of course, bible beaters like bush believe that the thesaurus is a tool of satan to disprove the events of the book of genesis.

[21:15] liebs: that doesn't make any fucking sense

[21:15] fenster: september 11!

[21:15] liebs: 9/11

[21:15] fenster: everybody drink!

[21:15] liebs: drink!!!

[21:15] fenster: terrists.

[21:16] fenster: weapons of mass destruction!

[21:16] fenster: this all sounds very familiar

[21:16] fenster: act boldly in freedom's cause ... except when it's the freedom to elect hamas

[21:16] liebs: McCain's thinking, "what a douche"

[21:16] fenster: 3/4 of the room is.

[21:17] liebs: purple ink this, asshat

[21:17] fenster: wow, the axis of evil got a few pledges huh?

[21:17] fenster: i'm surprised venezuela was off the list.

[21:17] liebs: they had hot rush workers

[21:18] fenster: did he say "vin laden?"

[21:18] liebs: just like radical Christianism!

[21:18] fenster: he's the arab vin diesel!

[21:18] liebs: weapons of mass murder?

[21:18] fenster: the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear.

[21:18] fenster: if all they have is the weapon of fear, bush should be able to cast a magic missile or something

[21:19] fenster: he sounds testy already

[21:19] liebs: "we love our freedom" to drive 5 mpg Fuck-You-Mobile SUVs

[21:20] fenster: "we no longer believe in our own ideals" - nice of you to notice, abu george.

[21:20] fenster: aw, come on. can we surrender to evil?

[21:20] fenster: the democrats do it almost every day.

[21:20] liebs: isn't that what his daughters do every Saturday in Adams-Morgan?

[21:20] fenster: no, i believe that's called "catching chlamydia."

[21:21] fenster: we have a clear plan to victory!

[21:21] fenster: i'm so glad to hear taht

[21:21] fenster: this is all the exact same shit nobody bought the last 8000 times he said it.

[21:21] liebs: anything specific yet? no?

[21:22] fenster: he's hitting all his catchphrases,

[21:22] fenster: it's like watching steve austin do a promo

[21:22] fenster: predictable and half drunk

[21:22] liebs: is shoving maglites up dudes' assholes brutal?

[21:22] fenster: it depends on the lube.

[21:23] fenster: KY? good. WD40? not as good as you'd think. chunky peanut butter? nuh huh.

[21:23] liebs: riiiiiiiiight

[21:23] fenster: one of those navy chicks clapping uncomfortably looks like christopher walken.

[21:23] liebs: not by politicians in Washington, DC - I'll believe that when I see it

[21:23] fenster: he really sounds like he's tripping over his tongue

[21:24] fenster: it's amazing if you compare video of him speaking now with video of him speaking in 1998 or so

[21:24] fenster: something's obviously different

[21:24] liebs: bourbon's a mean wine

[21:24] liebs: did he just say "hindsightism"?

[21:24] fenster: a duty to speak with candor?

[21:24] fenster: i bet he doesn't know "candor" any better than he does "rostrum"

[21:25] fenster: we should have kept a list of words bush used in the speech that he likely didn't know the meaning of

[21:25] fenster: did i see elton john in the gallery?

[21:25] fenster: whoever it is looks emaciated.

[21:25] fenster: maybe elton got the aids as a wedding present

[21:26] liebs: using a dead marine, classy

[21:26] fenster: how dare you denigrate the sacrifice of the military

[21:26] liebs: "Congratulations, your son is dead!!!!"

[21:27] fenster: go join the national guard, you hippie scum.

[21:27] fenster: that looks like donna from that 70s show.

[21:27] fenster: hey dead marine, your sister's pretty hot.

[21:27] fenster: at least i hope it's his sister and not his wife

[21:27] liebs: you're being used, ginger

[21:27] fenster: because this would be an awkward moment otherwise

[21:28] fenster: this is all the same shit all over again

[21:28] fenster: jesus christ

[21:28] fenster: get some new material

[21:28] liebs: elections that elect Hamas, dummy?!!!

[21:28] fenster: did he say strong cannibal institiutions?

[21:29] liebs: is he serious about the Egyptian elections?

[21:29] fenster: nobody watches the fact check afterwards.

[21:29] fenster: saudi arabian reform!

[21:29] fenster: riiiiiight

[21:30] fenster: his description of iraq again sounds like the religious right

[21:30] fenster: this is useless saber rattling. iran doesn

[21:30] fenster: 't care how loud and peevish bush gets

[21:30] fenster: dude i think his eyes just went cross for a minute

[21:31] fenster: rumsfeld looks vicious

[21:31] fenster: like he just ate a baby covered in lemon pulp

[21:31] fenster: spreading hope in hopeless lands

[21:31] fenster: i wonder if he'll mention new orleans?

[21:32] fenster: villerger?

[21:32] liebs: but not for a knocked-up American chick!

[21:32] fenster: the jug trade?

[21:32] fenster: he's drunk.

[21:32] fenster: that's a freudian slip if ever there was

[21:34] fenster: would it be racist for me to say that alberto gonzales looks like a shifty little bastard?

[21:34] liebs: September the 11th!!!

[21:34] fenster: or would i have to add a few adjectives, like refrito-smeared?

[21:34] fenster: shit. drink!

[21:34] liebs: "we did not know of their plans" - YES YOU DID, DUMMY!!!!

[21:35] liebs: not true

[21:35] fenster: he's pulling this out of his ass

[21:35] fenster: this whole thing is a pack of lies

[21:35] fenster: hillary has a new and improved joker products grin

[21:35] fenster: and bush looks like he's about to deliver a suckerpunch

[21:36] liebs: tera networks?

[21:36] fenster: the pursed lips and droopy eyes

[21:36] liebs: "when freedom is on the march" - do you think he realizes the paradox there?

[21:37] fenster: of course not

[21:37] fenster: i don't think he knows the meaning of the word paradox either.

[21:38] liebs: that's because Japan and the EU are in severe recession, dumbass

[21:39] liebs: "I need my gardeners on the ranch in Crawford, people!"

[21:40] fenster: i feel another round of explosive diarrhea coming on.

[21:40] fenster: give rich people more tax cuts!

[21:40] fenster: and the republicans go crazy

[21:40] liebs: "I urge the Congree to act responsibly" and put us even further in debt to the Chinese

[21:41] fenster: i thought congress spending was out of control? which is it?

[21:41] fenster: "cut the deficit in half by 2009"

[21:41] fenster: Liar!

[21:42] fenster: wow, mccain nearly had a stroke clapping for the earmark reform

[21:43] fenster: hillary looks really uncomfortable. i wonder if her disgust is real or if she spent an hour in front of the mirror practicing it

[21:43] fenster: a moment of levity for the democrats.

[21:44] liebs: let's create a commission to examine!!!!

[21:44] liebs: because we need more bureaucracy, that always solves problems

[21:44] fenster: so we can ignore its recommendations and do whatever we wanted to in the first place!

[21:44] liebs: we still make and grow stuff?

[21:46] liebs: uh oh, Boosh don't like the Democrats taking the piss

[21:47] fenster: health savings accounts, another lovely crock o' merde.

[21:47] fenster: i wonder how long it'll take to blow this one out of the water

[21:47] liebs: Wall Street loves it, it must be good!

[21:47] fenster: there's no way any of that's moving forward

[21:48] liebs: tort reform has NOTHING to do with doctors' insurance rates

[21:48] fenster: nope.

[21:48] fenster: just another giveaway to the insurance companies

[21:48] liebs: they've spent 10 billion, a fraction of what we need

[21:48] liebs: 22% more is STILL NOT ENOUGH

[21:48] fenster: he said nukeular. drirnk

[21:49] liebs: funding for hybrid cars, only 6 years too late

[21:49] fenster: yeah, too bad nobody will be left at ford or gm to build them

[21:50] liebs: by 2025, there won't be any OIL LEFT

[21:50] fenster: by 2030 we all better have mr. fusion on our delorean

[21:50] liebs: 1.21 JIGGAWATTS!!!!

[21:51] fenster: give our children a firm grounding in math and science.

[21:51] fenster: what would jesus engineer?

[21:51] liebs: that girl's thinking, "shit, I've got to take more math and science now?"

[21:51] fenster: you hear that science man? bush give you money!

[21:51] liebs: nano nano

[21:52] liebs: you know where that nanotechnology money goes to? Defense projects

[21:52] fenster: of cours.e

[21:52] liebs: "Center for Soldier Nanotechnologies"

[21:52] liebs: stain resistant uniforms, hooray!!!

[21:53] liebs: sorry Dubya, research universities prefer foreign students whose governments pay for their tuition

[21:54] liebs: thank you, Trojan Man

[21:54] fenster: now he pays the piper

[21:54] fenster: red meat for the mouth breathers

[21:54] fenster: abstinence is for fuckers.

[21:54] fenster: i think i'm going to make that a t-shirt.

[21:55] liebs: does he realize all these societal improvements are due to Clinton initiatives that Bush just ignored since 2000?

[21:55] fenster: well, it stands to reason

[21:55] fenster: that if everything wrong in bush's term is clinton's fault

[21:55] fenster: everything clinton did right, bush gets the credit for

[21:55] fenster: dipso, facto.

[21:56] liebs: Chief Justice John Roberts - bleh

[21:56] liebs: I miss Thurgood Marshall

[21:56] liebs: "legislate from the bench" - you fucktard

[21:57] fenster: roberts at least looks like the kind of guy who'll look you in the eye as he slides in the knife.

[21:57] liebs: and by knife you mean cock into other gay man's anus?

[21:57] fenster: human-animal hybrids? WTF?!

[21:58] fenster: i'm glad to see bush addressing the big issues of the day

[21:59] fenster: my tivo wants to change this and put on invader zim.

[21:59] fenster: i figure, what's the difference?

[21:59] liebs: at 9 my tivo wanted to change to Chappelle's Show

[22:00] fenster: more opportunities that the people most affected by katrina won't be able to get within a mile of

[22:01] fenster: i thought for a second there he was going to say that half of all AIDS cases were caused by HIV

[22:01] liebs: ah, faith-based groups, awesome

[22:01] liebs: which faith, you think?

[22:01] fenster: isn't turning the department of defense into a faith-based initiative enough?

[22:02] fenster: we sounds like he's on the home stretch

[22:03] fenster: he definitely sounds a bit castrated since last year

[22:03] fenster: and why aren't we going to mars anymore?

[22:03] liebs: bleh

Al Gore vs. Abu Gonzales

This Gore-Gonzales feud is getting interesting. Republicans somehow think that by keeping Gore in the spotlight it helps their cause. Like Gore elicits the same revulsion that enables them to demonize MoveOn.org and Michael Moore. When in reality, every time he pops up more than half of America sighs heavily under the weight of a pile of buyer's remorse.

As much as they try to paint Al Gore as an unhinged, out of touch, and crazy, the man speaks the truth. Just like they continue to insist that opposition to the Iraq war is the realm of the far left fringe even though only 34% of Americans approve of Bush's handling. While the most vocal and strident opposition has often come from liberal Democrats, the vaunted great American middle has for the most part cringed silently as Bush's lofty nation-building goals crumble one by one.

The Bush strategerists think that they can get away with the same tactic here and stifle dissent by marginalizing the opposition. But this is not a partisan issue, and not only are the American people overwhelmingly opposed to warrantless wiretaps (and with only a bare majority supporting them at all, which is kind of surprising and calls into question the general level of trust the American public has for the Bush administration), but some of the Administration's most vocal critics on this issue have been its biggest supporters - like former uber-conservative Rep. Bob Barr (R-Ga.), who introduced Gore's speech; "drown the government in the bathtub" archconservative Grover Norquist, and crusty limey drunk and relentless Iraq cheerleader Christopher Hitchens (a plaintiff in the ACLU's lawsuit over the wiretaps). There is simply no way for a Republican to disavow Grover Norquist without his head exploding.

In his Monday speech, Gore laid out in stark terms what is at stake in the NSA scandal. The GOP is running scared because they know that if the debate gets framed on Gore's simple, clear-as-day terms instead of on their panicky, fearmongering arguments, there is no way they can win. McClellan responds with a desperate and nasty bluff:

"If Al Gore is going to be the voice of the Democrats on national security matters, we welcome it ... his hypocrisy knows no bounds."

So then they trot out Gonzales to insist that "Clinton did it too," the Bush apologists' answer to everything (that is, everything they don't answer by invoking 9/11). Too bad it's totally false. Gore responds, and the AP confirms:

Both before and after the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act was amended in 1995, the Clinton/Gore Administration complied fully and completely with the terms of the law.

Gore then adds:

[T]he Attorney General's attempt to cite a previous administration's activity as precedent for theirs - even though factually wrong - ironically demonstrates another reason why we must be so vigilant about their brazen disregard for the law. If unchecked, their behavior would serve as a precedent to encourage future presidents to claim these same powers, which many legal experts in both parties believe are clearly illegal.

The Bush administration has absolutely no answer for why it used illegal channels to do something that would have been easily achievable within the limits of the law. So for as often as the GOP likes to consider itself victimized by "the politics of personal destruction" or "blind hatred" on the left, how about responding to the specifics of the case rather than by simply smearing those who expose them?

The more energy Bush and his surrogates expend on discrediting Al Gore, the longer they keep this story atop the news - and the worse it looks for them. Alberto Gonzales can get as snitty, feral and defensive as he wants, it doesn't change or even conceal the fact that he has no satisfactory explanation for this. Gore has nothing to lose by continuing to hammer away. Gonzales and the rest of the Bushies simply dig the hole deeper with each passing day.

So if Karl Rove really wants to step to Gore - I have but three very familiar words for him:

Bring 'em on.

Democratic buckshot is a missed shot at NSAlito

So I have to say I've been fairly disappointed with the performance of Senate Democrats last week during Samuel Alito's SCOTUS confirmation hearings. With a little coordination and planning, they could have mounted a successful opposition of Alito that would have made obvious the necessity of the filibuster. But disorganization, poor message discipline, and ego rendered the Democrats' scattershot attacks ineffective and left the path clear for Alito's confirmation.

The Democrats should have made a single, simple plan of attack: make Alito the face of the NSA spy scandal. Make him own it, make him embrace it. "Sam Alito thinks it's OK for George Bush to read your email and listen to your phone calls without a warrant." That should have been the narrative. That should have been the talking point, again and again, all week long.

It wouldn't be a hard point to make, seeing as how Alito's fingerprints are all over the theory of the unitary executive - which Al Gore "more accurately described as the unilateral executive." The Democrats should have repeatedly drawn, bolded, and underlined that ipso, ergo arrow between Bush's extralegal domestic surveillance and Alito's work on the unitary executive idea, a theory that conflates the implied powers clause of the constitution to mean supremacy of the President over Congress and the judiciary.

Democrats missed a golden opportunity. According to an AP-Ipsos poll, the majority of Americans oppose warrantless surveillance, even though many - myself included - are in favor of wiretaps of terror suspects conducted within the law. (The earlier Rasmussen poll cited by Michelle Malkin, RedState, et. al. as evidence for American support for NSA surveillance does not take into account the warrantless nature of the program.)

And unlike the Valerie Plame or Jack Abramoff cases, Americans are paying "very close" attention to this story - 68% according to Rasmussen. While you would never know it from the mainstream media or from the Democratic leadership, there is much more popular support for Bush's impeachment than there ever was for Clinton's. According to a Zogby poll released on 14 January, 52% of Americans support impeachment because of the NSA program. Only 36% supported Clinton's. So the American people understand the gravity of the situation, and the percentage favoring impeachment is greater than the percentage of the popular vote Bush received in either 2000 or 2004. Why did the Democrats miss this golden opportunity?

For a variety of different reasons. First, a failure to understand and explain the big picture to the American people. Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) kept harping on Alito's refusal to recuse himself from cases involving Vanguard, the company holding his mutual funds, without ever explaining why that was relevant. It's relevant because it displays his willingness to say anything to get a job. Alito all but admitted as much responding to inquiries as to his boasts of Concerned Alumni of Princeton membership in 1985 and anti-abortion and anti-equality statments made when he was trying to get into Reagan's Justice Department. Alito, man of integrity, said "It was different then. I was an advocate seeking a job. It was a political job."

Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) missed this relevance entirely, preferring instead to up the ante by trying to use CAP to paint Alito, personally, as a racist and sexist - allegations that fizzled out upon the release of the organization's records. This is symptomatic of the whole way politics go down in DC nowadays. Substantive policy debate has taken a backseat to "gotcha" moments - and the Democrats were obviously looking for one great big "GOTCHA" that they could use to derail Alito's nomination, instead of using the obvious opportunity presented to them. Finally, ego hampered the Democrats' approach - particularly presumptive 2008 hopeful Joe Biden (D-Del.), who mugged for the camera, bloviating endlessly and chewing scenery like a goat with the munchies. Sen. Biden needs to shut the fuck up and find a nice little concession speech to plagiarize, because he'll be the President the day I become the Secretary of Defense.

Another area where the Democrats shot themselves in the foot with Alito was abortion. Yes, Alito is overtly hostile to Roe vs. Wade. Yes, that's obviously why the rank-and-file religious right cares about him. But that's not why he was nominated, and it's incredibly short-sighted to make abortion the be-all, end-all of the American judicial system. Abortion is, if you'll forgive the pun, a short-term issue. It is an issue that divides Americans. Democrats won't change Alito supporters' minds by pointing out, egads, he's pro-life! No shit Sherlock, that's his appeal. But painting Alito as someone who will allow the destruction of American democracy makes stopping him imperative for anyone who cares more about whether they live under a dictatorship than whether someone they don't know makes a personal decision that has nothing to do with them.

The NSA scandal lapped in the Democrats' laps as a godsend, a bolt from the heavens with Sam Alito's pasty puckered ass written all over it. And they dropped the ball. This doesn't inspire a lot of hope for them making hay of the Jack Abramoff scandal either. Democratic lack of focus and message discipline keeps biting them in the ass, and Harry Reid needs to lay the smack down on his troops unless he wants the Democrats to fade into irrelevance entirely.

2005: The World in Review - Part 3 of 3, Finally!

Thanks for your patience, I know it's taken us a long time to get the last four months of 2005 written up. I hope we haven't missed our opportunity. That the attention span of the Internet is not so short that 2005 is forgotten already. It is? Oh well. Read it anyway.

And for those of you who haven't yet taken a look at the first eight months of the year, read them here: January-April | May-August

September:

When we last left the World in Review, George W. Bush was eating birthday cake and proving that he's actually a worse guitarist than president. Which is remarkably good timing, because nothing much was happening? Meanwhile, on planet earth, New Orleans swam in its own shit. Michael Brown asked for another bowl of zuppa toscana at the Olive Garden, while thousands of New Orleans residents cowered in fear at the Convention Center. Somehow FEMA claimed it didn't know people were there, in spite of it being on MSNBC, CNN, FOX, ABC, CBS, NBC, BET, MTV, Nicktoons, E!, and inDEMAND. Bush returns from his vacation (after a detour to San Diego to sell his Iraq war nu making more false WWII comparisons, and one last night in his bed in Crawford), deigning to peer down at the destruction from Air Force One (actual quote: "It's totally wiped out. ... It's devastating, it's got to be doubly devastating on the ground."), and then lands and promptly assures rich white guy Trent Lott that he's going to rebuild his lovely oceanfront home and enjoy a mint julep on the porch, lawdy lawdy! Kanye West blasts Bush on national television, saying that he "doesn't care about black people," leading Mike Myers to shit his pants. Finally, in the face of overwhelming public pressure, actually had an accountability moment and relieves Brownie of his job - in spite of him doing a heck of it. Saddam Hussein gets an Oct. 19 date for his trial in the case of the 1982 deaths of 150 Iraqis. 150 more Iraqis are killed and 500 injured on the 14th in a series of coordinated bombings. Is this getting redundant yet? Messy freedom spreads across the Middle East, as Hosni Mubarak takes 88.5% of the vote in a fraud-marred vote in Egypt. 11,000 American and Iraqi soldiers storm Tal Afar, temporarily driving the insurgents out just in time to commemmorate the 4th anniversary of a terrorist act they had nothing to do with. Meanwhile, six-way talks with Kim Jong Il's crazy ass resume, and China actually brokers a deal of sorts. Well, I'll be a plate of kim chee. Afghanistan holds its first elections, with 5,800 candidates. Turnout is low, unless you compare it to a US midterm election. Elsewhere, Angela Merkel wins a plurality in Germany to become the country's next Prime Minister. The War on Terror achieves its first victory, as the IRA's disarmament is verified by Canadian generals, eh? William Rehnquist dies, prompting "oh shit" cringes from every American to the left of Genghis Khan, shivering at the prospect of Bush's next nominee. Bush promotes John Roberts to Chief Justice before his confirmation hearings even begin. The California state legislature legalizes gay marriage. Hurricane Rita looks like it's going to eat Houston, but weakens - after the city's clusterfuck evacuation plan becalms motorists on the interstates for hours. A bus full of evacuating senior citizens explodes. Cool. The SEC announces that it is investigating Bill Frist's sale of stock in HCA, the company his father founded and on whose board his brother sits. Right after he sold his shares, the bottom fell out. What fortuitous timing! Then-House Majority Leader Tom Delay is indicted for money laundering, in a massive left-wing conspiracy between the Democrats, the District Attorney, eight grand juries, three french hens, two turtle doves, and 99 bottles of beer on the wall. a JetBlue airliner miraculously lands at LAX after its landing gear turn 90 degrees to the wrong on takeoff. 49 American soldiers die in Iraq.

October:

Suicide bombers kill 22 in Bali. Mohamed ElBaradei and the International Atomic Energy Agency win the Nobel Peace Prize, which would have made the entire right wing shit its Tough Guy Pants if any of them gave a rat's ass about peace. Shiites and Kurds in Iraq play calvinball with the rules of the constitutional referendum to minimize Sunni chances to derail the process. The constitution passes with 79% support nationwide, but fails by similar margins in Sunni-dominated areas - which is certainly not a recipe for civil war. Mother Earth continues her War On, err, Earth, with a 7.6 magnitude earthquake in Pakistan, killing 54,000 and leaving millions homeless. Imagine the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, only colder, and a different shade of brown. Judith Miller leaves the Alexandria Detention Center after agreeing to testify in the Valerie Plame investigation. Ironically enough, the prison where Miller spent 85 nights and weird mornings getting nightstick-raped by a Claire Howell wannabe, is right down the block from the AMC Hoffman Center 22, where I saw Fahrenheit 911. Speaking of polarizing bearded anti-Bush types, Saddam Hussein's trial begins and makes OJ Simpson look as dignified as Robert Blake. It'll probably end up about the same too, except that OJ Simpson didn't return to prominence as the mayor of Brentwood. I've said it before and I'll say it again - Saddam Hussein is the Marion Barry of the Middle East. Sure, he smokes crack with hookers. DC has a different standard! DC loves it some Marion Barry. So when he was caught with cocaine in his system earlier this month, the reaction was a collective shrug. So when Saddam Hussein is nibbling on a pile of MREs hastily left in his palaces by Tehran-bound GIs, remember where you heard it first! To the orgiastic delight of mean-spirited right-wingers everywhere, Paris bursts into flames as Muslim and African suburbs of Paris burst into riots. Meanwhile, Tom Delay is indicted again. The gin blossoms on his nose flare angrily as he proclaims his innocence on FOX News, and then poses for the grinningest mugshot ever. What a spoil sport. He'll have plenty of time to grit his teeth when he's getting pragged out. George W. Bush demonstrates his ability to learn from his mistakes, as he responds to criticism of cronyism in the case of Michael "Pony Boy" Brown's FEMA appointment. How? By appointing his former personal attorney, Harriet Miers, a woman so fawning and vapid that she thinks George W. Bush is the most brilliant man she's ever met. The political left, center, and right enjoy a rare moment of unity as the nation collectively says, "What the fuck?" Bush gives code-word wink-winks to the religious right that Miers will overturn Roe vs. Wade. After thoroughly embarassing herself and failing the bible beaters' litmus test, Miers withdraws her nomination. Bush abandons any pretense at subtlety and replaces her with Samuel Alito, aka "Scalito," a sniveling right-wing submissive who is one of the chief proponents of the theory of the "unitary executive." This is the legal theory that puts the President's intent in signing a law over the legislative intent of those who actually wrote it. This is how Bush justifies violating the law in matters like torture and wiretaps. The rumbling that would eventually become the Jack Abramoff scandal claims its first victim, David Safavian, a former Bush administration procurement official charged with obstruction and lying to investigators. The Valerie Plame case echoes suit, as Pat Fitzgerald charges I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Dick Cheney's chief of staff, with the same offenses. The same Republicans who frothingly clutched three nails and two crossbeams when Clinton perjured himself deride perjury as a "technicality" and the outing of a CIA agent specializing on WMDs during a war allegedly waged over WMDs as a "pseudo-scandal." 96 American soldiers die in Iraq, pushing the death toll over 2,000.

November:

At a Latin American summit, Bush pushes free trade to a tepid response, and gets a more fiery reaction from 25,000 protestors led by Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Freedom spreads across the Middle East, as Iraqi suicide bombers detonate themselves in three hotels in Amman, Jordan. Ariel Sharon breaks away from the hawkish Likud party and forms a centrist coalition party with Shimon Peres. The Canadian House of Commons gives the Liberal party a vote of no confidence, eh? Harry Reid uses procedural jiujitsu to twist GOP arms to allow a long-delayed Senate investigation into Bush manipulation of pre-war intelligence. Enrollment for the Medicare drug benefit begins. Seniors, confused by the concept of TiVo, the microwave oven, and the Internets, shit themselves in terror. Or is it just from being old? Oh, that liberal media. The bleeding-heart left wing Washington Post circles the wagons around starfucking Bush court stenographer Bob Woodward, who testified before Pat Fitzgerald after revealing, two years late, that someone had leaked him Valerie Plame's name as well. His intimate involvement in the story did not stop Woodward from dismissing and denigrating both the investigation and the prosecutor. Douchebag. The streak of Congressional GOP integrity continues, as Randy "Duke" Cunningham resigns in disgrace after pleading guilty to taking $2.4 million in bribes from defense contractors. A million people are left waterless in China when a chemical plant explodes, dumping 100 tons of benzene and nitrobenzene into the Songhua River. Mmm, nitrobenzene. It tastes like cirrhosis, damaged testicles and almonds! Democrats sweep gubernatorial elections in New Jersey and Virginia, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's $300 million special election blows up in his face like a political IED. Dover, PA's mouth-breathing school board is voted out of office en masse for their support of Intelligent Design. Pat Robertson says they've voted God out of their town, and will likely be repaid with a tsunami and shit. 84 Americans soldiers die in Iraq this month.

December:

The month gets off to a great start in Iraq, where a bomb attack in Fallujah kills 10 Marines and injures 12 more. Suicide bombers kill 36 and wound 75 at a police academy in Baghdad. As part of America's effort to spread freedom and democracy, the Army admits to paying for pro-US propaganda to be planted in Iraqi media. China, who John Bolton would recommend for a permanent seat on the UN's Human Rights Council, kills 20 demonstrators protesting a power plant's construction, and then covers up the event. Bolivia elects its new president, Evo Morales, a former coca farmer. The Florida GOP begs Tony Montana to run against Katherine Harris for the Senate nomination. Iraq holds parliamentary elections. Shiites take an early lead, but Sunnis allege fraud. Nope, no chance of civil war here. Since the Iraq war has made us so much safer from terrorism, nobody should be at all concerned that the 9/11 Commission's Public Discourse Project warned of the "shocking failures" of the Bush administration, including inadequate first responder communications, inadequate terror watchlist screening, and the absence of risk-based homeland security spending. Bush shouts-out Alito by signing the McCain torture prohibition, while making a "signing statement" where he reserves the right to break the new law whenever he deems necessary. Because the President is above the law! The Constitution says so! The Bush administration's biggest scandal to date hits, as the New York Times reports that Bush may have broken the law by authorizing the NSA to spy on Americans without easily obtainable FISA warrants. The White House insists that talking about the program would help the enemy, and then the very next day Bush defiantly claims the program as his own on the radio, in a very Samuel L. Jackson "...and I hope they burn in hell!" moment that proves that they're talking out of their asses when they make such claims. The New York Times refuses to comment on why they sat on the story of President Bush committing impeachable offenses since before the 2004 elections, proving once again that the media are dishonest liberals who do everything they do simply with the single-minded intent of destroying Dear Laeader. As Bush insists that laws aren't for him, Alberto Gonzales simultaneously argues a) that Congress' authorization of military force authorized warrantless spying, and b) that Congress was not asked for the warrantless spying authority because they would have said no. A Federal judge rules that it's unconstitutional for a Dover, PA school district to teach intelligent design. Rick Santorum turns purple, kicks his dog, and flogs himself with a belt. New York grinds to a halt via a transit strike, leading bored strandees to troll on CraigsList for sex. 68 Americans die in Iraq. Total for the year: 846.

2005: The World In Review (part 2 of 3)

Welcome back to The World in Review, Swina's look back at the major news events that shaped 2005. Chopped, formed, shaped, and lightly sautéed with shallots for enjoyable consumption.

Feel free to refer back to part 1 of the series, covering the events of January through April.

May:

The Downing Street Memo documents UK foreign secretary Jack Straw's "well, duh" revelation that the Bush Administration was gaming pre-war intelligence to support the invasion of Iraq. Tony Blair squeaks out re-election. The successful Bush administration disarmament of the Axis of Evil continues, as Iran announces that it will resume nuclear activity. Bush and Vladimir Putin commemorate the 60th anniversary of V-E day, giving Bush the chance to make specious and strained analogies comparing Iraq to World War II. Bush looks forward to the anniversary of V-D day, where he could recall his brother Neil's bravery in Bangkok brothels. Newsweek reports that Gitmo interrogators were flushing Korans down the toilet. Resulting anti-American riots in Afghanistan kill dozens. Under intense pressure from the White House, Newsweek recants. Amnesty International releases a report slamming the US for its prisoner abuses in Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, and elsewhere, calling Gitmo a gulag - a stark preview for America's use of actual gulags to secretly hold terror suspects. Lynndie England pleaded guilty for her role in the infamous leash photos, and the Abu Ghraib scandal ended there, because a couple of hayseed reservists from Smegmaburg, West Virginia couldn't have possibly had any assistance or guidance from above in figuring out the most humiliating and degrading possible way to treat Muslim prisoners, especially when such treatment had been previously authorized and used in Gitmo. 160 demonstrators are killed when protesting Uzbekistan's repressive government. whose leader the Bush administration falls all over itself to support as a valued partner in the War on Terror. The Pentagon's BRAC report taps 800 bases and military facilities for closure, including Walter Reed Medical Center, raising thethorny issue of whether the hospital's wards of Iraq war vets blown into vegetablehood can be shipped as freight like their fallen compatriots. The fight over the judicial filibuster rages, with lawmakers barely averting a "nuclear" meltdown when 14 senators compromise to pull back from the procedural brink. Deep Throat, Watergate whistleblower, reveals himself as former FBI #2, Mark Felt. The House passes a bill relaxing restrictions on stem cell research. Bush howls and stomps his feet, threatening veto. Meanwhile, South Korean scientists announce (falsely, it later turned out) they can make stem cells from a cloned human embryo, thereby spoiling "The Island" for the ten people in America who were actually planning on seeing Bey and Bruckheimer's latest steaming celluloid cow patty. 80 American troops die in Iraq.

June:

A military investigation revealed that yes, Virginia, there WAS Koran abuse at Guantanamo, making Newsweek look like a bunch of gutless pussies. Doing its part to stabilize the Middle East, Iran elects hardliner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who may or may not have been one of the revolutionaries responsible for the 1979 hostage crisis. Ahmadinejad would later deny the existence of the Holocaust, and even more controversially, suggest that Israel be relocated to Alaska. Alaska? When was the last time a Jew moved someplace cold? Sunnis agree to join the political process in Iraq, taking 15 seats on the constitutional committee despite boycotting the election. Democrats pay Bob Shrum a six-figure salary to tell them they can achieve similar gains by sitting out the 2006 midterms. Violence continues unabated in Iraq, with four servicewomen killed in a single attack, the bloodiest ever for American women. Dick Cheney exhumes Carson and his Carnac act, proclaiming the Iraqi insurgency to be in its "last throes." Cheney then adds, "and while we're on the subject, the Red Sox will repeat, Kitchen Confidential will be the breakthrough hit of the fall season, and Labor Day will fall on a Wednesday this year." An audit of Halliburton's work in Iraq revealed about $1.4 billion in "questionable costs," leading Cheney to howl, "Didn't I tell you to fuck off?" TIME magazine hands over Matthew Cooper's notes on the Valerie Plame leak to Pat Fitzgerald's grand jury. Michael Jackson gets off on children. Wait, sorry, that's a typo. He gets off on accusations of molesting children. My bad. Dennis Kozloski is not so lucky, as he is convicted of fraud, conspiracy, and grand larceny after looting Tyco for $600 million. Salacious details about his greed include an ostentatious $2 million 40th birthday party for his wife - featuring an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David dispensing vodka from his penis. Note to Mr. Kozloski: your experience consuming beverages from the tip of a dick will prove most useful in prison! Terri Schiavo's autopsy results are released, and it turns out that she was merely two Hail Marys and three Our Fathers away from a complete recovery. Sorry, another typo. I meant to say "her brain was like a craisin, only saltier." Yum. 78 American soldiers die in Iraq.

July:

In the first shuttle flight since the Columbia tragedy, the Discovery launches and foam pieces fly off the wing, again. NASA shits itself. Elsewhere in space, a tenth planet is identified. Across the pond, a mixed month. The Irish Republican Army renounces violence and vows to pursue its goals politically, and London is awarded the 2012 Olympic Games. Days after that announcement, the city's mass transit systems are rocked by simultaneous al Qaeda bombings, proving that the UK's presence in Iraq keeps terrorists from attacking elsewhere. Jumpy British police later gun down a Brazilian electrician who committed the heinous crime of wearing a coat. Two weeks later, another attempt on London's subways fails. Sequels never live up to the original, even in Arabic. A suicide bomber kills 27, mostly Iraqi children, in a particularly grisly attack, or as the religious right calls it, contraception. Later in the month, a suicide bomber kills 70 by blowing himself up next to a fuel tanker. Four other Baghdad bombings bring the one-day deathtoll into triple digits. In further positive developments, the Pentagon deems the Iraqi forces, riddled with desertion and corruption, only "partially cabale" of fighting the insurgency. The G8 summit ends with a pledge from member nations to double African aid by 2010. Simultaneously, the Live 8 concert allows self-important Bono types to think they're making a difference while raising no money, raising no awareness, and accomplishing absolutely nothing, except giving us a momentary Pink Floyd dick-tease. Bob Geldof, you cruel and unusual bastard, I'm glad Michael Hutchence jacked yo shit.Three commuter trains crash in Pakistan. Investigators check the alibis of Halle Berry, Lindsay Lohan, and Billy Joel. George Bush flip-flops on North Korea, as the US meets with a representative of Kim Jong Il's platform shoes bilaterally. George Bush on bilateralism: "I was bilateral once in college, but I was really drunk and he and I never saw each other again. I'm just kiddin with ya. I know what bilateral means. Soy un anillo de espuma de la jalea!" Judy Miller goes to jail for refusing to identify Scooter Libby as her source on the Plame leak. Cooper's source is identified as Karl Rove. 54 American soldiers die in Iraq.

August:

George Bush heads off to Crawford to clear brush for a record-breaking five weeks, to enable him to make good, crisp decisions. Which will come in handy later. The Discovery lands safely, but not before NASA makes a Challenger in its space pants once more. A jury finds Merck liable in a Vioxx patient's death and awards his widow $253 million. Instead of a crushing blow to Merck, I smell a marketing campaign. After all, Vioxx combines two of the elderly's interests - Powerball sums of money and arthritis! Our ally in the war on terror, Pakistan's Pervez Musharraf, admits that pardoned nuclear secret salesman A. Q. Khan sent centrifuges to North Korea. Sorry bout that one! Bush Cheneys America, using the recess appointment power to install John Bolton as UN Ambassador over the reservations of the Senate. Iran rejects Europe's nuclear overtures and begins enriching uranium. Wow, that sentence sounds really dirty if you say it in the right tone of voice. 82-year old Saudi King Fahd dies after a long infirm and is replaced by 81-year old spring chicken and de facto ruler Prince Abdullah. As democracy spreads across the Middle East, the Shiite Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution stages a coup in Baghdad, deposing the mayor. The Iraqi constitution is drafted, outraging the shut-out Sunnis. Rumors of a suicide bomber cause a stampede on a bridge over the Tigris River, killing 1,000 Shiites. Israel vacates the Gaza Strip, prying some settlers out by force. Bush grasps the mantle of fiscal conservatism by signing a $286 billion highway bill with over 6,000 pork projects, including two quarter-billion dollar bridges of virtually no use in Alaska. Bush then puts on a blue dress, kneels in front of his oily benefactors, and gets a mouthful of regular unleaded, signing an obscenely industry-friendly energy bill giving $14 billion in tax breaks to oil companies who aren't making nearly enough profit. Thankfully for them, Hurricane Katrina slams into the Gulf Coast on August 29th. The levees of New Orleans break on the 30th. 85 American soldiers die in Iraq.

Join us on the next episode of The World In Review, as we find out the thrilling conclusion. Will FEMA get relief to the Lower 9th Ward as quickly as the government was able to get to that swimsuit model who lost her fiancé in the tsunami? Will Brownie do a heck of a job in a fabulous outfit? Will the unstoppable force of Hurricane Katrina hit the immovable object of Bush's five-week vacation? After all, nothing bad ever happens when Bush goes on vacation for the whole month of August. Will we turn the corner in Iraq? Will Terri Schiavo finally get off her ass and resurrect? What civil liberties will be trampled upon next? Which scandals will Bush be able to condescendingly smirk away? Join us later this week when we finish 2005: The World In Review.

2005: The World In Review (part 1 of 3)

We at Swina are taking a 2005 rewind, looking back on the things that made this year everything it was. We will be publishing this series in three parts, each part covering a four month section of the year. Today we start with January through April.

January:

Johnny Carson kicks the bucket. I wonder if he had any of that life insurance that Ed McMahon has been peddling. The death toll from the Asian tsunami reached 225,000. Muslims and Christians each blamed their own variety of heathen - the gays. Former presidents Clinton and Bush combine their wonder twin powers to lead fundraising efforts for the victims. Mahmoud Abbas is elected to lead the Palestine Liberation Organization. In a related story, "Mamma Mia " entered its 32nd month, making it the longest-running Broadway show in the history of Las Vegas. The search for weapons of mass destruction ends in futility. In the Ukraine, Viktor Yuschenko was sworn in as the president of Ukraine after a bitterly contested election fight during which a poisoning attempt left him horribly disfigured, like a cross between Andy Richter and Bill Murray in an alternate universe without makeup or salycilic acid. Soon after Bush begins his second term, Condi Rice is confirmed as Secretary of State and immediately ransacks the wardrobe department from the Matrix. Fuzzy-headed tool Michael Chertoff and torture proponent Alberto Gonzalez are nominated to head up DHS and DoJ, respectively. Iraqis vote in democratic elections for the first time in 55 years in the face of continuing bloodshed. In a scene eerily reminiscent of Saddam Hussein's 98% election victories, landslides caused by heavy rains hit California, devouring 15 luxury homes and killing 10 yuppie liberals. (Hey, it's a pretty safe bet.) The Congressional Budget Office estimates the 2005 budget deficit at $368 billion, which doesn't include $80 billion in war funds. That's as if every person in America made a $128 Mastercard purchase this month and piled on another every month for the rest of the year. 107 American troops die in Iraq.

February:

The reformist prime minister of Georgia (the former USSR republic, not the state in which Deliverance is set) dies "accidentally" of carbon monoxide poisoning. Whoopsie. Looks like someone forgot to reform the garage door opener. Every time we Americans think our elections are cutthroat, underhanded drama, we should embrace the spirit of glasnost and take a lesson from behind the former Iron Curtain. We can do better! Americans are already lagging behind in math and science, must be add political skullduggery to the list? Abbas and Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon agree to a truce. Taking a diplomatic cue from President Bush, Abbas refers to his Israeli nemesis as "my Sharona." North Korea admits, "We've got nukes. WE'VE GOT NUKES!" Spectacularly violent days of bombings in Iraq kill dozens and hundreds at a time. Bush makes his State of the Union address, tries to push Social Security privatization. Truthfully, he got a better response when he said "Let's go to Mars." Another Bush deception is exposed as the Medicare prescription drug hornswoggle rises from $400 billion to $724 billion. Either somebody forgot to carry the one, or all those Arthur Anderson guys who did the books for Enron flew their golden parachutes right into the capital. A vengeful Christian god sent an earthquake to claim 500 lives in 40 Iranian villages. The NHL season was cancelled after months of locked-out high drama. A Federal judge blew the whistle on Bush's imperial overreach in a ruling that American citizen Jose Padilla could not be held indefinitely as an enemy combatant without being charging with a crime. The mother and husband of another Federal judge were shot in their home by Bart Ross, a troubled electrician who blamed Judge Joan Lefkow's decision against him for ruining his life. Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) expressed empathy for those who gun down judges' families. The Kyoto Protocol goes into effect. In lieu of U.S. participation, Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) douses a dinosaur skeleton in 87 octane and sets it ablaze. Hunter S. Thompson and Arthur Miller both died. Only one of them died without ever having fucked Marilyn Monroe. 58 American troops die in Iraq.

March:

The Republican Congress inserts itself into the most personal and painful decision, as Bill Frist volunteers to personally reinsert Terri Schiavo's feeding tube via videotape. She dies anyway and is risen like Jesus. One of those two statements is a lie. Bush sends the world a Texas-sized "fuck you" by nominating enthusiastic professional dickhole John Bolton as our chief diplomat at the United Nations. It will be a test of diplomacy to see which envoys can refrain from snickering at his utterly ridiculous toupée. Bush realizes he has a second middle finger, and uses it by appointing Iraq war architect Paul Wolfowitz to represent the US at the World Bank. Brian Nichols, on trial for rape, fatally shoots an Atlanta judge and two others and then takes a hostage, who eventually convinces him to surrender by discussing The Purpose Driven Life and giving him crystal meth and pancakes. Presumably not in that order. Johnny Cochran and the guy who invented the DeLorean die. Syria announces that it will withdraw its troops from Lebanon, knowing it will sooner or later need them to defend against an American invasion. 35 American troops die in Iraq.

April:

9/11 suspect Zacarias Moussaoui, who plotted mass murder out of religious fanaticism, pleads guilty. Olympic bomber Eric Rudolph, who bombed abortion clinics out of religious fanaticism, does the same. Pope John Paul II dies. In the Hollywood Squares Celebrity Deathpool, someone has got to be lining up Margaret Thatcher for the win. The Iraqi legislature picks a guy named Tabalani as its president, which I suppose is no weirder than Illinois electing Barack Obama. Amtrak's high-speed Boston-NYC-Washington line, Acela, gets a time out after inspectors find cracks in hundreds of brakes. Meanwhile a commuter train derails in Osaka. Authorities blame a half-man half-demon with dog ears. The Justice Department sweeps up 10,000 fugitives at once, the kind of coordinated massive government roundup that should always put citizens at ease. Bowing to public pressure, the House sheepishly votes overwhelmingly to overturn the rule protecting Tom Delay's leadership post from his impending indictment. Prince Charles marries Camilla Parker Bowles. You can finally be her tampon, bucko! 52 American troops die in Iraq.

Watch for Parts 2 and 3 of the 2005 World in Review in this space later this week.